Monday, January 7, 2008

Stephen Colbert tastes good, if you add some Coke

Stephen Colbert's AmeriCone Dream ice cream tastes expectedly bland, but once you add some apple pie, Chevrolet or good ol' Coca-Cola, the resulting AmeriCreation is delicious.


With the New Hampshire primary tomorrow, I decided to put one of the candidates to the test. Well, he's not exactly a candidate - anymore. He was a candidate for the Democratic nomination, but only in South Carolina. Of course, I'm talking about Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert.

I was in the local Wal-Mart market on my way home from work early this morning. In the ice cream case, I saw a pint of Ben & Jerry's AmeriCone Dream, a flavor created for Mr. Colbert and his imitation ultra-patriotism. I thought I would try it just to find out what liberalism tastes like.

AmeriCone is vanilla ice cream with fudge-covered waffle cone pieces and a caramel swirl. The carton says it's "sweeter than the Bill of Rights, colder than Valley Forge & with twice as much caramel as the Louisiana Purchase. This is the only ice cream with an official thumbs-up from America's greatest news corres-pundit."

But considering the Bill of Rights contains the First Amendment and that I'm a journalist, AmeriCone is about as sweet as a rump roast.

And I've been to Valley Forge twice: once in November, once in May. Even though it wasn't that chilly in Pennsylvania at those times, it still was colder than AmeriCone.

I've also been to Louisiana, and that's not caramel flowing through the Mississippi River: It's dirt (or gumbo). AmeriCone has about as much caramel as the Mississippi.

Liberalism tasted just as I thought: It sounded good (sweet, like Barack Obama, with a hard, waffle-cone edge, like Hillary Clinton), but when you actually try it (vote for it), it's incredibly disappointing (broken campaign promises). The claims listed on its label did not come to fruition.

And I'm not being too presumptuous in saying Colbert is liberal. Yes, he's a difficult character to crack. On Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report," he puts on a patriotic and conservative face, and as an incredible actor, it's pretty convincing ... and funny. But even if he is patriotic, he's not conservative. That's the whole intrigue and hilarity about the man: He's a large scoop of irony.

Because of its name and the carton's comparison to the Bill of Rights, Valley Forge and Louisiana Purchase, AmeriCone Dream attempts to evoke patriotism, just as the character behind it does. I mean, I bought it at Wal-Mart. How more American can it get? But because it doesn't live up to its description, I thought I'd Americanize it a bit more.

So what is truly American? Apple pie. Chevrolet. And because I'm in the South, Coca-Cola. I'll skip the hot dogs because I'm not in Chicago (and they should be served with sauerkraut, not ice cream), and I'll forget about baseball because it's not in season.

AppliCone

Apple pie. I skipped the crust and went straight to the apples, slicing up a granny smith and smearing a piece with AmeriCone. It was excellent. The differing textures were perfect complements. And caramel and apple always are great pairs.

ChevroCone

Chevrolet. For some reason, I thought AmeriCone would taste better if i ate it while staring at a Chevrolet. But in order to stare at a Chevrolet, I had to drive to a parking lot with one. By the time I got there, the AmeriCone was all mushy, above. But it turns out, the heat loosened up the flavors: The caramel, fudge and waffle bits really popped. It's better warm instead of "colder than Valley Forge."

AmeriFloat

Coca-Cola. But the Coke. Oh, the Coke. Two scoops into a glass with Coke poured in? An AmeriCone Dream Coca-Cola float!

By the end of it, I was singing, "God bless the USA ... and old-fashioned American ingenuity."

Note: The above is satire and does not represent actual political views.

1 comment:

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